It is tax season, the time when all of my other busyness gets pushed aside for my business-busyness. I always say (as I complain that I am tired, stretched, stressed) that I can't complain, because this is how I make money. If I don't make it now, it doesn't get made.
Tax season is not the time to think about the wisdom of that decision.
I enjoy preparing taxes, researching interesting tax issues, solving problems. For short periods of time, my mild Introvert can enjoy talking to people, learning what has changed in their lives in the past year, celebrating and commiserating with my once-a-year friends. I don't like telling people that, for instance, taking all of your money out of your 401(k) to buy a Corvette may have seemed like a good idea in June, but right now you owe several thousand dollars in taxes. I hate it when people cry.
But that's not really what I'm thinking about right now.
In a class I'm taking... introduction to spiritual autobiography... I came upon a truth I've had hidden in my closet under a pile of clothes I don't wear anymore, beside a box of books I've read and meant to donate, on top of a basket of yarn I'm going to make into scarves and sweaters and baby blankets for babies on their way to college. I remembered that I am a hoarder. I have lots and lots of stuff that I might need some day, but can't find when I want it. I recently found three staple removers in a drawer. I can't find any when I want them... note the fingernails.
But that's not new, we've talked about that. The assignment was to list and describe things you cherish. From childhood, youth, yesterday. What do you have that sits in the shrine in your soul?
And I realized that I have nothing. I have things that are important to me, and as I think about it, I remember more. But very often I think, well yeah, that's important, but where is it? It's covered with all of that stuff that isn't important... the stuff that protects me from... from what?
I have thought (on and off) for a while that I need to winnow my space if I want to order my soul, but I am very very afraid to do it.
And so, my intention for this week and month, in the middle of tax season, in the middle of a mild mild winter, is to winnow. Just a little. Just a small patch at a time. Just to see if I can survive.